TW: Eating Disorders
I’ve been very up and down lately and I’ve been pretty open about it. What I haven’t talked about is my very unhealthy coping mechanisms! Shit happens, and we all respond to it in different ways. I’ve always had a pretty difficult relationship with food, and there’s a definite pattern of weight gain when I’m overly emotional.
During university I was diagnosed with bulimia, which eventually morphed into binge eating disorder (BED). I no longer struggle with purging, but binging is still a facet of my life. I have definite trigger foods, which are also unfortunately my favourite food. It’s always the way isn’t it? I adore salt and vinegar crisps (McCoy’s are the best obv) but I can’t buy a multi-pack and have them in the house. There are certain foods that for some reason I just can’t control myself around. After the last two months, I’ve realised that there are a few more I need to add to that list.
Just avoiding certain foods isn’t solving the problem. It can only be fixed with time, dedication, and in my case, with the help of a therapist. I’ve recently starting seeing a weekly private therapist, because the NHS waiting list is bonkers. Naturally, this means I’m officially broke, but it’s a real investment and I’m hoping it will help me work through a lot of repressed issues, including my relationship with food.
So yeah, I’ve been sad, and emotional weight gain has been the result. I still slip from time-to-time on the good days, so it’s perhaps not surprising that when my life feels out of control my eating slips back to my old, bad habits. Although the weight gain has an effect on my body, the far greater effect is on my mind. I find myself beating myself up for not fitting into clothes I want to wear, and I hate myself whenever I slip once again and binge. I’ve come a very long way from my university days, and I’m proud of myself for that, but there’s no denying that I still have some work to do on my relationship with food.
At risk of sounding like the BBC here, but if you’ve been affected by any of the topics in this post, helplines and support are linked below.